Finding Your True Self: A Journey from Fractured to Whole
We all wear masks. We have our “work self,” our “family self,” and our “social self.” They’re like slight, conscious adjustments we make to navigate different parts of our lives. But what happens when a mask is no longer just a tool but your entire identity? What happens when a survival strategy, born from a deep need to belong, becomes so ingrained that it rewires the very person beneath it?
This is my story. It is a journey from a fractured self to a whole one, including the moment a divine hand reached into the prison I had built for myself.
A House Divided: The Search for Belonging
I grew up as a jazz soul in a world of classical tunes. Born in a small, quiet town in the early ’80s, I was adopted into a loving family that, from my young perspective, felt worlds apart from the person I was on the inside. My mom nurtured my creativity, but with my dad, a reserved man wrestling with his own self-worth, I felt a vast divide. I love my dad deeply, and he did the best he knew how, yet I always sensed how different we were, and I never wanted to be like him. That disconnect was an early signal, quietly telling me I didn’t quite fit in.
Adoption, despite its foundation of love, can awaken a profound question in a young mind: “Where do I truly belong?” This question, combined with a personality that felt out of place in my surroundings, created a deep emptiness within me. My vulnerable young mind began constructing a protective fortress. The first bricks of a “survival self” were laid not out of anger, but out of necessity.
Both sides of my family were deeply devoted to a strict Christian faith. I was raised in the church, attending services and learning Bible stories. I was embraced by that world until I grew old enough to notice the disconnect between how people presented themselves and how they behaved when no one who “mattered” was watching. I struggled to find a genuine connection with anyone and developed a very transactional view of relationships.
This inability to find a peer group that seemed to “fit” only got worse as I grew up. I am not athletic at all. I was a small-framed, dramatic, musically inclined boy who loved to read and draw. The pain of being misunderstood was eclipsed only by the terror of my first sexual experiences, which happened without any sort of guidance. Sex was a topic that was never discussed at home, and I didn’t have a guidebook other than what I drew from the world around me.
I quickly came to a sense of certainty about what I liked, but I felt uneasy about my urges being truly known. I was so confused feeling what I felt and being taught that God didn’t make me that way and that He expected me to be something I didn’t know how to be. I found no comfort in the language of home or church; it all felt like condemnation.
My lifeline emerged from a hidden world. I was a fairly resourceful young man, and at 13, I discovered a small community gathering at a local pub. Walking in as a young teenager was seen as an act of brave defiance, but what I found was something entirely new: a profound sense of belonging. This community shared stories of acceptance that resonated deeply with my growing desire to be seen and valued. It became a powerful new “family,” offering validation and a comforting sense of safety. I mistook this psychological refuge for true identity. It was a lifeline, but also a mold I was eager to shape myself around.
The Architecture of a False Self
Driven by a powerful need to survive, a sharp mind, and an aching need to belong, I committed to the full-scale construction of a new identity. By 16, I was a master of duality. At school, due to some unfortunate but true rumors, I was “that gay kid.” At home and church, I was closeted, ashamed, and constantly acting.
This double life was exhausting. To quiet the cognitive dissonance that screamed from my upbringing, I began to suppress my family’s values. Conformity was the price of admission to this new family, and I paid it willingly. Drugs and alcohol became essential tools to numb the lingering shame and the effort of maintaining my many masks.
After a series of traumatic family events, the conflict at home exploded. Feeling responsible for my parents’ grief and utterly misunderstood, I made a drastic choice at 17: I dropped out of school and left home. I didn’t say goodbye, and I didn’t speak to them again for almost five years. I thought I was being “responsible.” I thought I was “owning” the identity I had chosen.
My move to the city was a full surrender to the identity I had been practicing. I plunged into the deep end of gay life, forming toxic, dysfunctional relationships with predatory older men. Sexuality became a tool for survival, providing basic needs like shelter and food, along with pleasure. I was modeling myself after individuals who were themselves broken.
(I would like to take a moment to pause this story to share some important facts: LGBTQ youth experience significantly higher rates of mental health challenges compared to their heterosexual peers. These disparities are widely attributed to factors such as social stigma, discrimination, harassment, and lack of family or social support.
While I absolutely agree that dealing with rejection from family and friends can be very damaging to a young person or anyone at any age, the underlying internal conflict plays a significant role. This conflict exists between a person’s true God-given identity and the sexual identity they consciously choose to embody. Even if they have never known about God, there is still an internal disconnect, which is why in Western culture we have seen an increase in mental health issues and suicide rates. Children grow up thinking it is natural and normal to be able to choose whatever, whenever, however, and then wonder why relationships based on sex alone don’t last or fulfill them.
- Higher Rates of Mental Health Disorders: LGBTQ+ individuals are more than twice as likely as heterosexual individuals to experience a mental health disorder in their lifetime. For example, a 2022 survey found that 27% of 2SLGBTQ+ youth met the criteria for a major depressive episode in the previous year, compared to 11% of their cisgender, heterosexual peers.
- Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety: In a recent survey, 66% of LGBTQ+ youth reported experiencing symptoms of anxiety, and 53% reported symptoms of depression. These rates are significantly higher than those reported for their cisgender, heterosexual counterparts.
- Transgender and Nonbinary Youth: Transgender and nonbinary young people face even greater disparities. One study found they were 2 to 2.5 times more likely to experience depressive symptoms than their cisgender LGBTQ+ peers.
- Elevated Suicide Risk: LGBTQ+ youth are at a much higher risk for suicidal ideation and attempts. One study found that about 1 in 4 (25%) LGBTQ+ youth reported thoughts of suicide in the previous year, compared to 5% of cisgender, heterosexual youth. Another survey from The Trevor Project found that 39% of LGBTQ+ young people seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year.
- Suicide Attempts: The rate of suicide attempts among LGBTQ+ youth is approximately four times greater than that of heterosexual youth.
- Transgender and Nonbinary Youth: Transgender and nonbinary youth are at an especially high risk. One survey found that 46% of transgender and nonbinary young people seriously considered suicide in the past year.
- Substance Misuse: LGBTQ+ individuals are nearly twice as likely as heterosexual individuals to experience a substance use disorder.
- Bullying and Victimization: One study revealed that 77% of sexually and gender-diverse youth experienced bullying in the past year, compared to 69% of cisgender youth. This indicates that fewer than one in ten additional youth face challenges stemming from external sources.
- Lack of Support: Rejection from family and friends is a significant risk factor for mental health issues in LGBTQ+ youth. Studies show that when family and friends do not accept a person’s sexual orientation, it can lead to feelings of isolation and hopelessness.
However, I would also like to point out that studies also prove that when a youth feels an internal disconnect between how they feel and what they truly believe, it can also be a significant factor for mental health issues. Especially if they are told that living in a state that has been, in previous generations, just a season of personal discovery, can become a viable way of living life. Please earnestly seek God about how to handle issues that arise that you are uncomfortable with or unsure how to tackle. Allowing youth to do something you fundamentally do not agree with, especially when you are supposed to help guide them, IS NOT LOVE.)
For me, this was identity foreclosure—committing to an idea of who I was without ever truly exploring who I was meant to be.
Trapped in the Life I Built
Years turned into decades. My carefully crafted persona was an absolute masterpiece. I had several long-term, committed relationships that, on the surface, looked stable and respectable. I had built a life that appeared successful and enviable, a life I thought would finally fill the void. But beneath the surface, the adopted behaviors were no longer conscious acts. They were instinct. And I was miserable.
I can look back now and see that the sexual choices I made, the ones I chose to honor instead of God, were choices I had to intentionally work at. I had to consciously devote my time and energy to them for them to feel like a part of me.
The Bible verse from 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 always hit home for me: “Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people, none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.”
The Divine Intervention: A Moment of Truth
God gives every person the gift of free will. I had used mine to build a prison.
After years of avoiding anything that challenged my lifestyle, I was surprised to see a YouTube video of a Christian sermon show up repeatedly in my playlist. At first, I dismissed it as a fluke, but eventually, I stopped skipping it and listened.
The message came from a very charismatic pastor whose powerful testimony broke through all my defenses and touched a part of my true self I had buried long ago. She didn’t preach at me; she simply shared her own story of redemption. She spoke about how she had grown up in the church but chose to follow her desires instead of God. She spoke about how salvation doesn’t come from our own strength but from His. She explained how pride can be such a powerful deception that most people don’t realize that they are their own barriers to knowing God’s goodness and how God uses imperfect people with messy pasts to show the power of His redemptive love.
In that moment, I realized, even though I hadn’t seen it before, I had asked God to save me long ago, and He had answered. Despite my many wrong decisions, He had always been with me, even when I rejected His love. He had been protecting me in situations that should have destroyed me. He had a plan for my life. He loved me, and because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, He had forgiven me in advance, knowing everything I would do before I did it. That realization brought me to a turning point, a moment of raw, unfiltered desperation at the end of myself.
Surrounded by the hollowed-out wreckage of the life I had built, I did something I had never done in truth: I cried out to God. I did not call out to the judgmental, angry, religious God I had spent my life running from. Instead, I reached out to the loving, holy, gracious Heavenly Father I hoped was actually listening.
And in that moment, something miraculous happened. It was not a slow dawning. It was an instant, profound shift. A switch flipped at the very core of my being. I was overwhelmed by a tangible, powerful presence, The Holy Spirit. In His light, I saw my own life with terrifying clarity.
I instantly knew that the homosexual identity I had clung to for nearly three decades was not inherent to who I was. It was not my core. It was a produced identity, meticulously constructed through years of immersion, repetition, and practice.
The relief and belonging I had found were real in my experience. However, they were built on a foundation of adaptation and survival, not truth. In that moment, the scripture resonated deeply within me: “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).
I was instantly a new creation. The void that a lifetime of searching could not fill was suddenly overflowing with a sense of purpose and unconditional love. For the first time, God was not a concept but a real, relational presence.
Coming Home to Yourself: The Journey Continues
My story doesn’t end with a simple “happily ever after.” When the tears stopped, I was still in my living room. I still had addiction cravings, I still had to answer my partner’s texts, and I still had to take my dog for a walk. But I was undeniably changed.
I am learning to be my true self, little by little. I am free from a lot of shame and guilt over past mistakes and am learning to surrender to the Holy Spirit more every day. (I even had sex one more time after that day, and it felt awful, awkward, and wrong. It honestly confirmed the truth I had encountered.)
There is a profound tension at work. A new, authentic spiritual identity is rooted in Christ. It coexists with the deeply ingrained, instinctual mindset of a false self that I practiced for most of my life. I still have feelings, thoughts, and lustful desires, but not as often. God has been faithful in renewing my mind with His Word, teaching me to take every thought captive.
There is a way out. You do have a choice. It won’t be easy. You may face some uncomfortable truths and consequences from past decisions, but God is faithful. He will walk beside you, lift you up when you fall, and ultimately restore you to a place far better than you ever imagined.
An Invitation to You
If you feel trapped inside a prison of your own choices, remember this: identities are not always born; sometimes, they are built. And they can be unbuilt by partnering with the Holy Spirit in the light of God’s truth.
You are of such great value to God that you can personally call on His name anytime, for any reason. You can ask Him to meet you wherever you are, no matter what that looks like.
If you are willing, He will come into your heart, forgive your sins, and give you His eternal gift of life.
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