The Secret Shame You Carry in the Dark
Trigger Warning:
- This article offers an honest, real-life discussion of addiction and sexual struggles. I understand this content may be sensitive or difficult for some readers. Your mental and emotional health is important, so please read with care.
Is it too much to hope there’s a way out? A way to stop the cycle of shame and self-hatred that feels like a prison with no key?
I’ve been that tortured soul, questioning everything, feeling like you’re the only one locked in this battle. Maybe you’ve tried everything. Prayers, promises, self-help books, only to find yourself right back at the beginning. It’s a feeling of profound loneliness, a secret that separates you from everyone you know and love.
For decades, this was my life. A secret that started innocently enough, born from a place of deep loneliness and a desire to escape. It was the mid-90s, a time before high-speed internet was in every home. As a kid struggling with bullying and a hellish first year of junior high, I felt completely lost. The pain of isolation was a heavy weight. My parents decided to try homeschooling, and in doing so, they unknowingly opened a door to a new world: the internet. And in that new, unsupervised space, I found something that offered a fleeting escape from the pain of rejection. I started looking at porn.
At a time when I was struggling to understand my developing sexual desires, the digital world was an absolute disaster. I lived in a small, conservative town, and the easy access to gay porn was a powerful, dangerous invitation. It became a way to live out psychological fantasies and explore a part of myself that felt hidden and forbidden. But what started as curiosity quickly became an obsession. It made me hyper-focused on sexuality and created a twisted image in my mind of what “normal” life could be. The truth is, it was the start of a 30-year journey into a dark and isolating addiction that nearly consumed me.
The Digital Effect: How Pornography Affects You
My story isn’t unique. Millions of people are caught in the exact same trap. But many don’t understand that this isn’t just a moral or spiritual issue; it’s a physical and psychological one. For years, I just thought I had a problem with my willpower. But what I’ve since learned is that pornography acts as a kind of over-the-top, artificial thrill.
Think of it like this: your brain’s pleasure center is designed to respond to natural rewards. A hug, a good meal, or real-life intimacy all release a chemical called dopamine that makes you feel good. But while a real-life sexual encounter might spike those levels, pornography can push them far higher and for much longer. Your brain gets used to this intense, unnatural feeling and starts to crave it, making everyday rewards seem boring by comparison.
Everything that has been studied about the effects of porn on the brain I can confirm from my own life. It numbed me. It twisted my perception of healthy sex. It completely rewired my understanding of how to relate to people. It kept me isolated, making me prefer to sit in my room, using drugs and watching porn, than to engage in the simple activities of life. For me, it was a slow descent into total desensitization. The progression from using porn for fantasy into a daily habit of seeking random sexual encounters in real life is an evil that enslaves so many. It’s a testament to how dangerous and destructive this tool of lust is. It ruins lives, tears relationships apart, and absolutely changes you, twisting what you consider to be normal and healthy.
This is the very essence of lust from a theological perspective. It is not just a fleeting thought; it’s a profound spiritual and psychological orientation of the heart. The Bible describes it as a “disordered desire”. A selfish craving for something outside of what God has provided. Jesus was being realistic when he said, “anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” He was cutting to the root of the issue, showing that the sin begins in the intention of the heart. It’s an internal battle that, if left unchecked, will manifest in destructive behavior.
Pornography is the digital manifestation of this heart condition, a technology that exploits this spiritual vulnerability, leading to a physical reshaping of the brain.
The Collateral Damage: Eroding Your World
The life I was living because of my addiction was a lonely one, but its effects didn’t stop there. The isolation I experienced was a direct result of the relational damage pornography caused. It trained my brain to view people as objects to be consumed, not as whole individuals with feelings and needs. This is the very definition of dehumanization. For anyone in a relationship, this is devastating.
Pornography creates unrealistic expectations that real-life partners can’t possibly live up to. This can lead to decreased sexual satisfaction, a loss of trust, and a breakdown in communication. It’s a vicious cycle where a person seeks escape through porn, only to find themselves more isolated and emotionally distant from the very people who could help them. This secrecy is often more damaging than the behavior itself, as it erodes the foundation of trust upon which all emotional intimacy is built.
For a partner, discovering this secret can be a profoundly emotional and traumatic event. It’s a deep wound clinicians call betrayal trauma. The pain can manifest as depression, anxiety, insomnia, or a deep sense of rage. A particularly painful symptom is self-blame, where the partner questions their own adequacy, believing they were somehow responsible for the user’s behavior. It is a lasting blow to their self-worth. Truly, the act of hiding a behavior has far-reaching and painful public consequences.
But God! A Path to Freedom and a New Life
I’ve shared the destruction and the pain, but this isn’t a story without hope. In fact, this is where the story truly begins. After decades of being held captive, I had a life-changing encounter with God. In that moment, something shifted. He supernaturally delivered me from the sexual perversion and bondage that had held me for decades. He touched my mind and heart the minute I asked him to come into my life, and instantly, He reset the way I thought. He supernaturally changed my perspective.
This wasn’t a passive experience, though. The Lord touched my heart, but it was a conscious effort on my part to stop watching porn and acting on the daily desires to seek out sexual stimulation. I had to take action. I removed all the videos I had saved, threw out sex toys, and literally fled from any situation that might offer easy access to temptation. With the Holy Spirit’s power and guidance, I am living proof that freedom from this prison is possible.
I feel my personal experience demonstrates that the path to wholeness may require a holistic approach, combining spiritual principles and deliverance with more practical methods. The spiritual principles of humility, confession, and true repentance align directly with the clinical concepts of acknowledging brokenness and breaking the cycle of secrecy by seeking out help. My mind has been literally “re-wired” by God’s power, and my willingness to adapt my environment is a practical application of the biblical call to “renew your mind.”
Replacing Old Habits with New Life
The key to long-term victory is to ensure you are replacing broken habits with new, godly activities. The time and energy you spent on destructive behavior can be re-purposed for life-giving habits that heal your mind and spirit. I heard someone say a long time ago that “empty space is a place”. When a desire to look at porn arises, you must actively choose to turn your focus elsewhere. This is a conscious decision to choose life over death, freedom over bondage.
One of the most powerful tools you have is spending time with God. This means replacing the time you spent watching porn with time spent in prayer and reading God’s word. The Bible is not just a book of rules; it is a spiritual tool that literally changes you from the inside out. When you fill your mind with God’s truth, it begins to heal the damage of addiction.
This is a real-life example of walking out some well-known verses:
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is, his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)
“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24)
The process of identifying and challenging unhealthy thoughts is a practical application of this biblical command. God’s word and prayer provide the truth that challenges the lies you’ve believed, and His presence fills the emptiness you’ve tried to satisfy with temporary pleasures.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Along with your intentional time spent in prayer and reading the Bible, here are some practical options to consider if you are struggling:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: This is a structured approach that helps you identify and challenge the unhealthy, negative thoughts that fuel your behavior. It provides practical tools for managing triggers and developing impulse control.
- 12-Step Programs: Organizations like Sex Addicts Anonymous offer a powerful dose of accountability to addiction recovery. Many churches can also provide council from a pastor or associate in leadership, providing a structured framework for recovery. Never underestimate the need for community support.
- Faith-Based Counseling: This integrates biblical truth with clinical methods to address the spiritual and psychological roots of the problem.
The incredible truth is that what you focus on literally shapes your brain’s circuitry. When you choose to focus on Jesus and true, life-giving connection and purpose, your mind can be re-wired to find healing and freedom.
Your Story of Victory Starts Now
My journey through the destructive impact of lust and pornography addiction taught me a hard but freeing truth: sin will hold you captive and enslave you quickly. But the good news is that by the power of the Holy Spirit, freedom from this prison is possible. It’s not a fringe issue, and you are not alone in this struggle.
For anyone in the midst of this battle, I want you to know this: God is NOT suprised by your struggles. He loved you even before you went down this path. Your pain is real, and your struggle is valid. But there is a way out. God is bigger than your failure. The first and most courageous step is to break the isolation and seek help. This means being honest with yourself and seeking God’s help. You can be free. You can be victorious. You can become a new creation. God shows no favorites, and He is waiting for you to take that first step toward Him.
Your story of victory starts now.
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