Are you tired of friendships that feel exhausting and unfulfilling? We’re living in a time of radical disconnection, but it’s not too late to reclaim the true, deep community we were designed to have.
I’ve been feeling it for a while now. That nagging sense of loneliness, even when surrounded by a crowd. More and more, it seems we’re all connected, yet profoundly disconnected. We have thousands of “friends” online, but how many are we truly walking through life with? How many know our real struggles, our real victories, and our deep-down fears?
Once upon a time, friendships were the very fabric of our communities. They were forged in shared life, not just shared likes. We’d gather at each other’s homes, share a meal, and talk for hours. I called it a “soul-to-soul connection.”
These days, most of my so-called “meaningful” interactions are reduced to a string of emojis and two word comments on social media. I find myself wondering, “Have I changed?” Because I truly feel that I have. The past decade has reshaped nearly every aspect of my life, including my sense of what true community means. Am I simply experiencing a shift in my preferences? Or has the very nature of our relationships fundamentally transformed? Could it be that the drift I sense is actually a pull toward shallow connections and safe, low-stakes interactions that have drained all the magic away?
I’ve been wondering about this for some time. I’ve been dancing around this post for a while too. Wondering if it’s too shaded by my own subjectivity or, perhaps more honestly, my own idealism. I have a history of being quite guarded emotionally. But despite that fact, I’m just gonna say it: I do miss the way friendships used to be.
I’m tired of feeling untethered by something that used to ground me. I’m sick of feeling a lack of genuine engagement. I’m exhausted by the authenticity relationships fail to hold for me. I used to get excited at the thought of a deep conversation with a friend. Now sometimes I can’t even be bothered, because even if the conversation looks good, will the connection really live up to expectations? Do I really even have expectations any longer???
The bottom line is this: it’s been a long time since more than the occasional and very random new person actually made me feel truly seen and known. I know it’s not just me, because when I go back to the bible stories, the difference is palpable. And in my very subjective opinion, it’s time we got back to doing friendships the way we used to, the way God intended.
Qualities of a Godly Friend (and How to Be One)
What’s Happened to Modern Friendship?
Well, social media happened, COVID happened, loneliness happened, and a culture of radical individualism happened. All of these things have massively affected the bottom line of how we build and maintain our connections.
But you know what? I don’t even think that’s really it.
When I examine the landscape of friendships over the last 10–20 years in comparison to the decades that came before, what jumps out at me is the tone.
For a long while now, so much of what we’re offered to consume and create as friendships has been overlaid with tones of:
- Convenience
- Low commitment
- Personal gain
- Surface-level interaction
- Lack of vulnerability
Admittedly, we live in an age of deconstruction, and I don’t view this as entirely negative. Cycles are meant to turn. We need the shock of a cold plunge to rouse us from comfortable complacency. Idealism occasionally requires a touch of cynicism. Yet, by the same token, cynicism must eventually yield to the resurgence of idealism. Just as we cannot build endlessly, we cannot tear down forever. Friendships founded on unstable, selfish grounds cannot be expected to last.
The Biblical Blueprint for True Community
Before I continue, let me say a word about our ultimate guide for human relationships: the Bible. It’s a book full of stories of incredible friendships. From David and Jonathan to Paul and Timothy. These aren’t just feel-good stories; they’re blueprints for how we are called to connect with one another.
We were never meant to walk this journey alone. The Bible makes it clear that we need each other. One of the most foundational principles is found in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” This isn’t just a suggestion; it’s a statement of spiritual reality. We fall. We need someone there to help us get back up. That’s the purpose of true friendship.
The Bible also shows us that a friend is someone who loves us at all times, someone who sticks closer than a brother in times of adversity (Proverbs 17:17). This is a person who’s not just there for the good times but is committed to you in the messy, difficult seasons of life.
The Art of “Iron Sharpening Iron”
This brings us to a crucial, and often uncomfortable, part of biblical friendship: correction. We live in a culture that recoils from constructive criticism. But the Bible tells us that “wounds from a friend can be trusted” (Proverbs 27:6). A true friend is someone who loves you enough to tell you the truth, even when it’s hard to hear.
This is the very heart of “iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). A real friend doesn’t just affirm you; they refine you. They challenge you to be a better person, to grow in your faith, and to live more intentionally. This kind of relationship is born from honesty and a shared desire for spiritual growth.
It’s about having people in your life who are committed to your sanctification. This means the gradual process of becoming more like Christ. They help you see your blind spots and cheer you on as you overcome personal struggles.
What About Being Friends with Unbelievers?
This is a question many Christians wrestle with. The Bible clearly warns against “bad company corrupting good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). We are told to choose our friends carefully, because the way of the wicked leads them astray (Proverbs 12:26). These verses are not about judgment; they are about protection. They remind us that the people we surround ourselves with will inevitably influence us. There is a reason that when rotting fruit is mixed with healthy ripe fruit, the result is not the rotten fruit becoming healthy again. Sickness spreads. Health does not.
However, this doesn’t mean we should live in a Christian bubble. Jesus Himself ate with “tax collectors and sinners.” We are called to be in the world, not of it.
So, how do we balance these truths? It’s about intentionality and purpose.
Mission over Immersion: The goal of our friendships with unbelievers should be to love them, serve them, and ultimately point them to Christ. We are to be a light in the darkness, not to become part of the darkness.
Spiritual Anchor: It is crucial to have a strong spiritual foundation and a core group of godly friends who can keep you accountable and lift you up. If your closest, most influential friends are not believers, you are setting yourself up for a spiritual battle that is difficult to win.
Leading, Not Following: We must be careful not to let the standards of the world dictate our own. As Christians, we are new creations. Our purpose is not to be liked by everyone, but to honor God in all our relationships.
Ultimately, we are called to be a friend to those who need a friend the most. But we must do so from a place of spiritual strength, not weakness.
Qualities of a Godly Friend (and How to Be One)
What does this kind of friendship look like in real life? It can be hard sometimes, but the reward is worth it. Here are some qualities to notice and, more importantly, to develop in yourself:
- Loyalty: A true friend is there “at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). They are dependable and trustworthy.
- Honesty: They speak the truth in love, even when it’s difficult (Proverbs 27:6).
- Encouragement: They uplift you and remind you of your identity in Christ.
- Accountability: They challenge you to live a life that honors God (Proverbs 27:17).
- Selflessness: They are more concerned with your well-being than their own.
- Grace and Forgiveness: They extend the same grace to you that God has extended to them.
We were created for community, and it’s time we remember what the biblical vision for that looks like. It’s time to move beyond the surface-level connections and start forging bonds that are strong enough to withstand life’s storms and help us grow into the people God created us to be.
It’s time to stop feeling alone and fighting solo. And for us to start walking alongside one another on our daily journey of faith.
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